It has been a topic in recent years, but how to be alone is a question we’ve all had to deal with. Some do so better than others. There are those who need it, at least for a while. And then there are people who can’t stand to be alone. They need people around them. And I’m not saying which one is better. A healthy combination is needed for us to have a balanced life. But knowing how to be alone is an important step in our growth as a person and in accepting who we are.
When we read Marcus Aurelius, we can see that he keeps reminding himself that we are part of society.
“You participate in a society by your existence. Then participate in its life through your actions – all your actions. Any actions not directed toward a social end (directly or indirectly) is a disturbance to your life, an obstacle to wholeness, a source of dissension. Like the man in the Assembly – a faction to himself, always out of step with the majority.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, book 9.23
What does it mean to be alone?
Reading this looks like it contradicts what this post is about. But let’s delve deeper. What does it mean to be alone? How can we be part of a society while we are alone? There are different ways of being alone and accepting oneself. We can have a specific drive to be alone or to be with others. What we want to look into here is learning how to be alone in your mind. Being able to accept your thoughts, worries, and doubts. Then bringing your true self back to society.
Family, friends, and acquaintances. are externals. We do not control their thoughts or actions. They come and they will go, whether we want to or not. We’ve learned this from Epictetus, that the only thing we can control are our own actions. We need to be able to rely on ourselves. But how can we if we are running away from ourselves? Sometimes it is good to be forced to face yourself. It might not be easy, but learning how to do it is vital. It will give you a solid base to all back on when other things around you fall apart.
We live our lives alone
We will tie it all together with the quote above later, but for now, we will go into how to be alone. What does it mean to be alone? It can mean being physically alone, somewhere by yourself. Many of us lived through that experience during the pandemic and all the lockdowns. Being shut off from the rest of the world. All by yourself, yet connected to the world in a shared experience. But no one felt it the same way. In some ways, it was a blessing for me. I learned a great deal about myself and started some interesting projects. It felt like I gained time. But that also had its limits. Showing that we do need that social interaction after a while.
Why is it important to know how to be alone? It might be a sobering idea, but we live our lives alone. We do have people around us, but they lead their own lives. We need to learn to focus on ourselves because no one else will live our lives for us. At least not the way we would love to.
“But it is a much finer thing to be happy, to have a peaceful and undisturbed mind, to have what concerns you dependent on nobody but yourself.”
Epictetus, The Discourses, Book 4, Chapter 4.36
Know who you are
If we want that peaceful and undisturbed mind, then we need to create it. It is still something I struggle with. I still live too much trying to chase what I think others require of me. It’s a big part of my personality and it can cause me to go into a well of doubt and second-guessing. I’m getting better at dealing with it. It’s easier to recognize those moments and I know that they come and go. Stoicism has helped me deal with this better. Fine words by the Stoics with their direct approach. As if they knew what was troubling my mind.
A big step in the process is knowing who we are. You can read a post about that here. But this is the foundation. Only we can do that. We know our innermost thoughts when we are distressed or happy. Feeling when we are in line with who we are. But we need to learn to listen to ourselves and stand up for who we are. This is an important step in knowing how to be alone. Be one with yourself and accept who you are.
It’s your purpose alone
In the meantime, we are also looking for our purpose. Here is a deeper dive into that topic. When we understand better who we are, we will get closer to a sense of purpose. These two go in lock-step and are applied at the same time. But to do so, we need some quiet and silence. We need to be able to listen to ourselves. If our minds are in turmoil, then the real thoughts aren’t heard. For this, we need some time alone. And while we are alone, we need to understand that this is important for our well-being. Block the time off, no distractions. You can choose to meditate, journal, run, cycle, or do a repetitive activity that can help you clear your mind. But accept yourself during this time.
We all have our flaws and our strengths. There is no exception to this. You can look at others and think they have it all figured out, but I can assure you, they don’t. Be kind to yourself, we are all trying to figure this all out. And that’s where we can tie it back in with our quote by Marcus. While we are figuring life out, we are part of a society. And we can best serve that society if we are true to ourselves. That’s where we can be of best use. When we know who we are, with a better sense of purpose and the ability to be alone and accept ourselves.
The life of a good man
“And then you might see what the life of the good man is like – someone content with what nature assigns him, and satisfied with being just and kind himself.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 4.25
There we have it in a beautiful phrase by Marcus Aurelius. What is the life of a good man like? Someone content with what nature assigns him. All the qualities one possesses and understanding them. Know what the strengths and weaknesses are. This will lead you to become a good member of society. Furthermore, to be satisfied with being just and kind. We must start to practice that on ourselves. To be just and kind to ourselves, only then can we do the same to others. For that, we need to reflect on who we are. We must learn how to be alone and to connect with ourselves.
Find some time for yourself. Think, write, and listen to yourself. Figure out who you are, and what your duty or purpose is, and then accept it. Be content with being who you are. If you do so, then you’ll be able to be alone and live a good life. While on the other hand, when within society, you’ll be able to resist peer pressure, know how to act, and remain true to yourself. But the foundation needs to come from you. Learn how to be alone and find your strength to be the best you can be to the people around you.
Although I like to go out and be with friends. I live alone and take time to be with myself. We have no control over others. This is a great post and informative!
Thank you for your kind words, Fransic. Great to read that you liked it and how you experience being alone.
I like being alone, but I don’t like feeling lonely. I think it’s very important to know how to enjoy your own company and have fun alone, but it’s also nice to spend time with different people.Loved the article.
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Great to read your insights. Feeling lonely is definitely not a nice feeling, but as you said it’s good to know how to be alone and also spend time with different people.
Great post Benny! This is one of the reasons that I started looking into Stoicism is to “practice” that I only have control over internal things and cannot control external events. You make a great discussion about using this for being alone with ourselves. We have to be content with only making ourselves happy and to stop using our energy for others. When we start doing this, we don’t know what to do because we have concentrated so long with external events and stimuli. I have taken away some excellent points to utilize for my own journey…thank you!
Thank you, Tim. I really appreciate your comment and I share the feeling that it should be put in practice. No need to discus all these things and then not use them in life. Great to read that you’ve taken some good points from my post.
Finding our purpose alone is a great piece of advice; I think we should all explore this and become adept/comfortable with being by ourselves. Great post!
Thank you and I’m glad to read that you liked my post. Becoming comfortable with ourselves is a big step to accepting who we are. From there we can find out what we are supposed to do. Loved how you pointed that out.
“When we understand better who we are, we will get closer to a sense of purpose” is a very profound statement you wrote. Being alone and feeling lonely are two different things. I always say the worst kind of loneliness is being in a relationship and feeling all alone. I agree with you that when we better accept who we are, we become more comfortable being alone and better identify what is our purpose in life.
Thank you, Kevin, for highlighting that statement. It’s a good point that you make that even in a relationship one can feel themselves utterly alone. Accepting who we are is key in the process of being able to be alone.
Whisper it, but I’m possibly happiest alone. That way I don’t ever feel the pressure to please anyone else. And I’m perfectly comfortable on my own too. I guess the trick is knowing when and how to best let others in, which I don’t think I’ve got even close to perfecting.
Another excellent post. Cheers.
Whisper it, I love how you started this comment. And then connecting it with pleasing others, that’s still one of the things I find myself doing. If we are comfortable with ourselves, then we can also know better when to let others in. Great additions to the topic.
I always have my kids around me and family so I guess I’m not really alone that much. I was alone for about a year while at Uni during my placement year and while I worked abroad. I found it difficult to just be with my thoughts. We have control over our minds but for some people it’s very difficult to put in practice and take so much effort to make small improvements. But with consistency and determination it can be done. Great post.
Thank you for sharing your experience and your kind words. With all those people around I bet it can be difficult to find a moment for yourself. But even the small improvements are important. Learn to see them and build on the. We only need to take that first step and then keep walking. Slowly but steady. As you said, with consistency and determination it can be done.
Ah, this is a rich and inspiring post filled with useful quotes from the Stoics that can help us lead a calmer and more rounded life. When I was deep in depression I was scared to be alone, partly because I was suicidal, and partly because I felt out of control of myself. However, I have learned that I actually need to be alone, it gives me freedom, it allows me to express myself better and opens the flow to creativity. So while I enjoy company, my preference is quiet and alone. I don’t get bored, and I never have, but I did have many years of a dark imagination that was dangerous, it has taken me some time to learn to trust that inner monster and to take back control. Happy to say I am there, and that is, in part, from studying the Stoics as well as mindfulness and meditation. It all works, if you decide for it to work. Great post Benny, thank you.
Wow, thank you Zac. That’s quite the story and I’m happy you found yourself in all of this. It’s great that you learned how to trust that inner monster, not just to recognize it, but to trust it, and take control back this way. I truly appreciate you comment, it means a lot to me. Thank you for sharing!
No one knows us better than ourselves, which is why we always need to find what works best for us as an individual. That doesn’t mean you can’t seem support from others to help you find what works best for you, it’s just that you should just try what works for everyone else, and then give up if it doesn’t work for you.
Also, having some personal time is important to our wellbeing. If you’re unable to do that, then maybe you need to look at why you can’t. I used to struggle without being aroun others, to the point I’d become suicidal when alone. But I worked on that issue and now I’m able to survive just fine in my own company
Your insights always add so much to my posts. Everytime I look forward to reading them. Knowing ho to be alone doesn’t mean that we should exclude ourselves from the world, but it is important to start from a solid base of self-acceptance. Examining yourself and facing the issues will make your stronger and will help you be able to be content in your own company. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I personally love being alone. I need my own space to recharge. But in the past I always had thoughts whirling through my mind. These days I’m much happier in my own space because I create my reality.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I know exactly how you feel about needing time to recharge and also how it has changed now and that you feel happier in your own reality.