How we deal with peer pressure can help reduce a lot of anxiety. Peer pressure can make us act in ways we wished we didn’t. Otherwise, we wouldn’t need the pressure. There are many times I’ve acted out of peer pressure or where it has influenced my behavior. Since I am a man, I can only speak from the male perspective. I don’t attempt to try to look at both angles because I can’t see it from that side. But it would be great if we could get the female view on this topic. As I am sure this is a unisex topic. If you would like to share that different view with us, please contact me.
What is peer pressure and how does it affect us? Is there a way we can ignore it or make sure we remain ourselves and not let our behavior get altered because of a group? There have been many times when I went along with a group because I wanted to fit in. And I sometimes still find myself doing it. Nowadays, when it happens, it mainly takes place in a conversation. And even then it takes a lot of hard work not to get dragged along. But is it necessary to go along with a group or can we ignore these cries for us to join?
Will we end up alone?
When we talk about peer pressure, we refer to a group of people or an individual who we like to be associated with. They insist we do things we would rather not. There wouldn’t be a need for pressure if it felt right for us to do. Sometimes we can be so used to this group behavior that we change ourselves according to the dynamic once we are in it. For me this changed my way of talking, thinking, and sometimes acting. During those years my will wasn’t strong enough to separate myself from the group. Stoicism played a big role in realizing that it is up to me to be a good person. And if the group I’m with isn’t displaying or acting that way, then I should distance myself from them.
Why is that so difficult to do? It shouldn’t be, especially if this group of people, or person, makes us feel bad about ourselves. They are working on our emotions to push us to places we don’t want to be. We could be abandoned, hurt, ridiculed, become an outcast, or worse. That’s what is being used against us. And we so desperately want to fit in. Or at least we feel we should. But is this the group we belong to? And what if we say goodbye? Will we then end up alone?
Peer pressure can cause anxiety
Within male groups, we can see a lot of macho behavior. There is a hierarchy in these groups and to fit in one must prove oneself. Not a lot of serious conversations take place. Although it can happen, especially one on one, but in a group the jokes prevail. What is being said among men depends on the nature of the group, but it tends to be necessary to outdo one another. A lot of the time it’s either making a fool out of each other or it involves bragging.
This can cause feelings of inadequacy or feeling like an outcast. Especially if they compare themselves to the group and their standards. When the person or group is older, then that can set a precedent for how to act. The behavior learned from these supposed role models can lead to a lack of self-esteem or force oneself to model those actions. This can cause anxiety because somewhere deep inside they feel this isn’t right.
Peer pressure can affect anyone
Only in recent years have I discovered myself to be more of an introvert, and this surprised many around me. I used to always be present at any activity. It didn’t matter what day and it would get crazy most of the time. During that time I could tell it took a lot of energy from me to act that way, and I’ve pushed myself over the limit a few times. By asking myself some good questions and reflecting on my life back then, I now have a better idea of how I wish to lead my life.
What I’ve learned to do more in recent years, is to say ‘no’. The realization that this was an option, opened my eyes. It showed me that I can choose for myself. But it is a learning curve and it requires one to stand strong in their own beliefs. Stoicism helped me be more firm about saying no. Whatever the consequences may be. If people don’t appreciate that or can’t accept you for who you are, then they are not the ones you should be around with. Peer pressure is something we see all over the place, that’s why I’m sure it affects everyone. But how we guard ourselves against it can make a huge difference.
Seneca to the rescue
When reading the letters by Seneca, we can see that he has a clear take on this. He offers us an honest view of how well he did with his own advice, but letter VII to his friend Lucillius allows us to do better.
“You ask me to say what you should consider it particularly important to avoid. My answer is this: a mass crowd. It is something to which you cannot entrust yourself yet without risk. I at any rate am ready to confess my own frailty in this respect.”
Seneca, Letters from a Stoic, Letter VII
It’s time to go our own way
He then goes on to tell us that the larger the crowd, the bigger the danger that someone will do something bad. And this can shake our principles. The better we practice them, the better we can withstand them. But even so, we can fall for the pressure. Seneca does give us some advice on what is best to do.
“Retire into yourself as much as you can. Associate with people who are likely to improve you. Welcome those whom you are capable of improving. The process is a mutual one: Men learn as they teach.”
Seneca, Letters From a Stoic, Letter VII
This brings us back to the question of what happens when we distance ourselves from people who use peer pressure to try to shake us out of our peaceful existence. When we find ourselves surrounded by those ‘friends’, it is time for us to go our way. At the beginning that might seem scary. It can be a lonely road to walk, and opinions will not always be in our favor. But this is the way. If we wish to live a peaceful and virtuous life, then we need to focus on ourselves. The beauty of this is that we will encounter like-minded people. Such as the ones Seneca was referring to in the previous quote.
Learn to say No
Peer pressure is a difficult emotional device to go up against. If we want to stand a chance, we need to be firm in our own beliefs. For that, we need to practice and repeat them. When the risk of us falling for the pressure becomes too big, we must save ourselves. Walk away and return to your principles. Seneca used a quote from an unknown craftsman, who was asked who the object of his piece was. To which this man replied:
“A few is enough for me; so is one; and so is none.”
Unknown person quoted by Seneca, Letters From a Stoic, Letter VII
You shouldn’t act for external display. The crowd might cheer it, they might boo it. But you need to do it because it is right for you to do it. To perform your duty and live in accordance with Nature. If you feel peer pressure to act differently then this is where you take a stand. Learn to say No and follow your path.
This post was well written and it is good for people to hear what it can be like for a man. I think it is great you use your platform to share your men’s opinion. Some great advice! Thank you for sharing.
Lauren.
Please allow posting on @tribelsocial; I hope all of you will consider it as a better alternative to meet with fellow Stoics in the making.
Thank you for sharing a male perspective. For every human, being true to yourself, listening to your intuition, and consciously acting according to your values and virtues does require us to say no. At the end of the day, one will not be happy unless they are aware of this! Thank you, Benny, job well done!
Thank you SueAnne, for you kind words. I’ll look into @tribesocial to share it there as well. I think you are right, that it goes for every human to be tru to yourself and listen to your intuition. I could only share my experiences from a male perspective, but would love to hear if women have similar experiences.
Thank you for your kind words, Lauren. A lot of what I wrote can also apply to women, but I can’t know that for sure. It would be great to hear the other side. I think creating better understanding between different ways of experiencing life will only make it better.
Peer pressure was my first gateway to experiencing using drugs, everyone was smoking so I felt there was no other option than do it, I actually did a lot of other things. I had to pretend I was in a relationship once due to peer pressure, I mean the list is endless, it can definitely take a toll on your mental wellbeing. I cared too much what others thought but once I learned to say that little word NO that was my freedom, another great post.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, Rons. Learning how to use the word No, is a game changer. I love how you say that it was your freedom and reflecting on that, made me realise that it has a similar effect on me. Loved reading your take on it.
I’ve only ever had two friends really. I’ve always been one to not allow others influence me and it’s a good thing I’ve had good people as friends. The only time I think I did something by feeling pressured into doing was when I got myself a car. I didn’t need it at that time, but I’m doing just fine with it. I told myself I wouldn’t do anything like that again.
Jeannie x
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I’m happy to hear that you had thos good friends and that you didn’t let them influence you. That is a take on this topic we should also address, that not everyone is easily influenced. I was and to an extend, still am. But I’m working on it.
I’ve always found it pretty easy to avoid peer pressure, I think people in my teenage years just didn’t bother pushing me because they knew I just wouldn’t do what I didn’t want too. So far my son has been similar so I hope he carries this on through his teen years
Thank you for your comment, Emma. I also hope your son can carry this attitude you described through his teen years. It sounds like you have a pretty good idea of what you want and where you want to go. That’s great to read. Thanks for sharing.
Learning to say no was one of the biggest things that helped me deal with peer pressure. I feel like peer pressure is one of the hardest things to resist, but also one of the most important, so I love your tips. 🙂
Thank you, Jaya, for sharing your experience with peer pressure and how the word No helped you deal with it. I’m glad to read that you liked my tips, because it can be a big obstacle to live our lives.
I feel like I’m an introvert as well but when it comes to going out. I don’t struggle and it’s like I’m not. And I agree we learn to choose for ourselves.
Thank you, Fransic, for you comment. I can relate with how you feel as an introvert but different when you go out. That happens to me to. It is important to learn to choose for ourselves as you mention.
My biggest problem with peer pressure was me changing who I was depending on the group dynamics like you said, I started changing my attitude, my behaviour, even my voice at times. I always thought I sounded younger than I was and wanted to sound older and sophisticated, as I thought the people I surrounded myself with, did. I started making jokes I didn’t even find funny, agreeing to things I did not agree with and pretty much becoming a different person depending on who I was with. I wanted to please everyone but slowly realised how unhappy I was. I started losing myself. When I started just being me and not caring what others thought, my life changed completely.
I love love reading posts like this and I hope that there are a bunch of people out there that take your advice and start saying no. Start loving themselves for who they are.
“At the beginning that might seem scary. It can be a lonely road to walk, and opinions will not always be in our favor.” This is definitely the truth, scary as hell but so worth it. Thanks for sharing! Love your site btw, I’m excited to read more 🙂
Thank you for those wonderful words. I’m happy to read how much you liked my site and what I write. Your experiences sounds quite similar to how I felt about it. Changing who you are because of the pressure. I loved how you changed it around, because i took similar realizations to me to reach the same points. Thank you for sharing!
Peer pressure is a surprisingly powerful thing, but we only talk about it in the context of doing stuff we didn’t want to do and probably shouldn’t have done, for good reason. People can often find themselves into a lot of trouble because of it. But there are some situations where peer pressure can lead to people doing the right thing, and I think we forget that. Having said that, it’s likely because it ignores people’s freedom of choice, even if peer pressure did lead to the right outcome
Thank you for your comment and for showing a different side to it. That sometimes peer pressure can be used for good as well. That is important to understand and learning to distinguish the two is vital.
I think peer pressure is one of those things that can affect anyone and everyone – even if we don’t always realise it’s happening. I’ve always been good at avoiding peer pressure (for the most part), but sometimes the feeling of saying no isn’t nice! It can be worth it to protect yourself though!
Thank you for your comment. And I think you are right that it can affect anyone and everyone. Saying no isn’t always nice, but it is important to be able to do it. I wasn’t for a long time and still find it difficult.
This is such a great way to deal with peer pressure from a man”s perspective. Very interesting to read! Thanks so much for sharing!
Thank you for your kind words and I’m happy to read that you thought it was interesting.
Excellent post, peer pressure can definitely contribute to a lot of mental health problems in men. Which is worrying because of how awful mental health statistics are in men anyway.
It can be such a difficult thing to say no when faced with peer pressure. This is a really good post exploring the topic. Thankfully, I would say this is one of my strength as I have always been very independent and able to say no when I have needed too.
Thank you for your kind words and I’m glad to read that you enjoyed the post. It’s great to hear that you’ve managed to be independent and knew how to say no early on.
Thank you for pointing out the relationship between peer pressure and mental health. I do think that mental health issues are big amongst men. And because of the pressure not to talk about it, it gets surpressed a lot. But I’m sure that there are plenty of women who struggle with this as well. Would love to get that side of the conversation as well, to understand it better.
Took me a while to not succumb to peer pressure, but I had never considered it from a different point of view, in this case, a male point of view. And somehow I never considered how similar our thought process could be.
It’s the only view I can give on this topic, as I don’t know how women view this topic and when they deal with it. But as you say the thought is quite similar, I find that interesting. And perhaps not entirely surprising as we are all human beings. Would be interesting to explore this more.